| METH ADDICTION STORIES |
| True stories from meth addicts who have been there and experienced the hell of meth addiction first hand! |
| EDWARD-Freedom From Meth |
ESCAPING INTO ADDICTION
Faithful, well-educated, God-loving parents in small-town America reared me. My Mom and Dad were never afraid to
teach me right from wrong. From the youngest age I was taught that drugs and alcohol are addictive and could cost
me my life. By the time I was 13 years old, however, curiosity took hold and I had my first drink. From there came
pot, and then cocaine at 15. After that I had to try anything and everything to satisfy the need for an escape from
feeling and being me. Of course at the time I thought I was just searching for the biggest party or who had the best
dope.
After numerous hospital admissions for drug and alcohol use and abuse I became a true and dependent addict at
24. I was now spending over 90% of my time looking for ways to get high and stay high. I did not notice my life was
falling apart nor did I even think of what it was really costing me. When age 30 came rolling around and cocaine
burned itself out and drinking became unsatisfying, I needed to find something that I could use to help me continue
in my escape from self. The guilt and shame just hurt too badly to deal with; there had to be something that worked.
Deciding heroin was the best escape of all, I chose to introduce the needle. And as expected my life went from bad
to worse. With heroin, a few precious moments of heaven always lead to a deeply cold eerie desire for more. Heroin
addiction is also a forlorn addiction. After living and learning just how deadly a choice seeking a higher heroin high
could be, I reached for Meth reasoning that, “at least I’m not doing heroin.” Now Meth entered in as king. He was
very deceitful at first; giving me all the energy and excitement I wanted. Meth was so cheap to use and everybody
had it. Foolish me, I fell for it hook, line, and sinker and gave Meth my heart and soul.
Throughout my years of addiction I was able to keep a job, at least some of the time, though my employment never
could supply my habit. About age 32 my ability to perform in a working environment became difficult to manage so I
settled into permanent unemployment and accepted it. I had already been through all the court-ordered
rehabilitation programs you can think of, never once changing the way I viewed my addiction. I saw treatment as a
game you had to play if you got caught. ‘They’ had the problem, not me. To me life was about running from the pain
and entertaining the pleasure.
Before long the king had taken full control and left me out in the cold. I was now homeless, living out of a storage
unit, and feeling lucky if I could pay the $45 monthly rental fee. I had nothing but a few blankets, a collection of
trading items, and a bag of Meth. My whole focus in life became Meth, and never running out. Everything I did
supported my Meth addiction and if it didn’t I wouldn’t be a part of it: like a family reunion or associating with non-
users. Food was always a second or third thought, if a thought at all. And learning that all my friends were really
addicts using me to continue their high destroyed any sense of self-worth and self-respect I had left. My world was
reduced to loneliness, humiliation, rejection, hatred, and a fear of everyone and everything. And…I didn’t even care.
As long as the dope man showed up on time everything would be all right.
Not until I woke up in a strange hospital did I take notice that I was still breathing. Sobering up for the first time in
many years gave me an opportunity to take a look at what was really going on with me. I was shocked, …that’s not
me, I thought. What have I become? Why is everyone angry with me? Where did all the love go? Who stole all my
things along with intimacy and trust? Do I really want to die? Really, really want to die? Is death better than this or
will I be enslaved to addiction for eternity? I could no longer recognize the reflection in the mirror.
And death was no longer just a fantasy. Sure, there had been those times I would wake up after falling on the floor
and not think twice about it. But this time, this time I knew I had pushed it too far and should have died. I remember
getting high with a friend and then coming to three days later, nearly naked, in an eight-by-six foot enclosed room.
Then waking up secured to a bed in a locked-down psychiatric ward of a hospital. Lost and confused I was in
desperate need of answers. I needed someone I truly trusted and knew in my heart cared. I wanted nothing more
than to be held and told everything’s going to be all right. And yet, I was too afraid to reach out and ask for help,
because I just knew they wouldn't understand. I was trapped and totally all-alone with no one and nowhere to turn.
The doctors were telling me that I was crazy, the police showing me to be a criminal*, and people sharing their
hatred and pity. I could no longer take hold or understand myself and didn’t comprehend how to free myself from the
deception that held me. I quickly realized that I had no self-control and was being directed continually by Meth’s
wishes and I had become as dead. …And now Meth deserted me!
On that hospital bed June 2004 I made a life-changing decision: I would do whatever it took to conquer all addiction,
starting with Meth, and I would no longer seek an escape from feeling and being me. I really had no choice; it was
either that or a drug-induced suicide. I was too completely controlled by Meth's desires and visions to escape it.
What could I do though; I had nothing, no home, no money, no friends and surely no plan for sobriety. Just the
thought of sobriety sent fear down my spine: having to live a life I had never known. So I prayed to the Lord and
asked him for forgiveness and freedom from the King called Meth. I begged him for knowledge and power over it.
And he answered.
THE DECEPTION
Meth, what is it really? A powerful deception! At first, it’s energetic, exciting, eventful, and very entertaining. Offering
anything that the curious desire.
I can feel the pinprick against my skin. Now my vein begins to burn and the heat follows up my arm and
shoulder disappearing into my chest. The room goes dark and suddenly very peaceful warmth fills my every
part. I become enveloped in an incredible intense sense of freedom and power and release, as in a continued
sexual climax, floating high above any limitation, including my body. I have no fear, no doubt, and no pain,
for I am comfortably numb. Oh, how long will this feeling last, forever I hope. My neck twitches and my arm
itches, wow, what a rush. Let’s go. Let’s go. I have so much to do. Run here, run there, do this, do that. Take
this, take that, trade this, trade that. Tweak this, tweak that, lose this, lose that. Hear this, hear that, hide
this, hide that. Fear this, fear that, close this, close that. Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s not.
It’s quite simple. Meth becomes a ritual that is played out every time the user chooses. Thinking and believing that
ecstasy is seconds away, the user is deceived into living in a world that does not exist. A world based on an
expectation of what Meth can give. Newcomers only understand the positive effects of the drug, not knowing the
truth behind each fix. The truth is that over time, as the ritual is played out again and again, a corrupt lifestyle is
created in which the user is consumed by Meth’s demoralizing desires and deceived into thinking they received the
high they first remembered, when in fact the addict only gets a temporary lessening of the craving and a
disorganized day. On top of that, they feel that incredible and painful ‘need for more’, causing them to become
trapped in
rituals and destructive behaviors that are no longer satisfying and in time they become controlled by Meth addiction
to the point of acting like slaves, giving Meth everything they have: their time, their money, their friends, and their
total devotion. All for what Meth deceived them into believing they’d get, which they don’t even get. The actual time
spent enjoying the “high” is reduced to minutes and the constant, painful and risky pursuit getting more only
becomes more desperate and time consuming. And through the continued living of a corrupted lifestyle the addict
gives up self-esteem and self-respect.
When an addict is told Meth is on the way, or it’s in the other room, their excitement greatly increases. Some make
ready for the expected ritual by making sure everything is just right. “I’m going to enjoy this one, I deserve it, and I
earned it.” They cherish its arrival and without a second thought trust it with their life, never realizing that they are
not experiencing anything they had experienced at first. It’s like someone receiving a gift. They shake the box and
happily unwrap it with excitement in the expectation of something they want. And refusing to believe the box is
empty. The thought that the Meth wasn’t ‘any good’ becomes a lot more common the deeper into addiction you get.
Hardcore Meth addicts know it’s a game of cat and mouse and the ‘highs’ are few and far in between, like an
alcoholic drinking alcohol and never being able to get drunk. They continue to use more to avoid feeling bad than to
gain pleasure. What a powerful deception Meth creates in a user who chooses to allow it.
DESIRING METH
The desire for and never-ending pursuit of Meth. The things some addicts will do to get more, from stealing from a
friend to working a clever scam to promoting Meth to becoming a Meth dealer. Addicts soon learn they have to find
someone else to help pay for their habit. They have creative minds in coming up with ways that enable them to keep
using. If they are not earning it, they will have to deceive someone for it.
Working a dishonest scam the addict may look for security flaws in the system or try to build trust in the victim. For
example, if I were looking at a business to defraud I might search for ways around store security and weaknesses in
all transactions or refunds. If I valued something of yours to supply my habit, I might set up a female addict to
befriend you and draw you away from it, enabling another addict to steal it, taking full advantage of group effort. I
would do anything I could to deceive you into giving me something for nothing. Anything stolen is cursed; all the
thieves that I have known never could hold onto what they had stolen for very long and were always broke. It’s feast
or famine, one day you’re driving a $50,000. SUV and the next day you’re begging for a ride.
The most common way to increase Meth flow is to manipulate the social aspect of it: promoting the desire in others
to use Meth for your own personal gain. To successfully find that ‘someone’ who can help support your habit you
must seek people who are not as addicted or controlled by Meth addiction as you are and then deceive them into
using, and using more often. In other words, the more available I have Meth to be used by the naïve user,
encouraging them to use more often, causing them increased addiction, gaining increased dependence on me, and
increasing Meth flow, the easier it becomes to support my habit.
And forget trying to profit off anyone more knowledgeable and controlled by Meth addiction. Seldom do you see
hard-core addicts buying dope from addicts or even the naive user. It only happens when the hard-core addict is out
of an immediate connection and looking to reconnect. In the drug world there is a vicious fight between all players to
get connected with the top supply man. Common sense tells you prices go down the closer to the fire you get and
through years of dependence the hard-core addict learns how to turn situations to their favor and will profit off your
ignorance. A person would be quite surprised in how much hate and backstabbing goes on behind the scene.
Remember they are supporting an extremely expensive habit, so don’t get upset when they step up and make you
look and feel like an idiot. You’re only being foolish if you actually think they like you. It’s use or be used, period!
What the naïve, new user does not realize is that in the Meth world there is no such thing as free Meth. Never is
Meth just given away; you don’t buy it at the store: it costs twice as much as gold and is hard to hold onto. You
would be a fool to go around giving all your gold rings away and not expect something in return. Hell, you wouldn’t
last a week. I think back to the times that I was in distressed need and how little I cared about others just so I could
profit off their ignorance some way. The addicts that I have helped degenerate into starving wolves, leaving all
respect at the door, and yet I continued to support their addiction because I had to support mine. Believe me, it’s
something you’ll deeply regret and never forget. Please, always take into consideration why someone’s offering to
get you high for ‘nothing’ and think twice: understanding his or her reasoning behind it. Anyone promoting Meth is
not your friend and only looking to use you.
Now once you have money or something of value you will need to contact a Meth dealer and hope he’s got some for
you. Sometimes you have to call several people before locating it. You might have a list of Meth dealers you owe
money to so you don’t make the mistake calling one of them. After contact you set up a time and place to meet and
expect they understood the directions correctly. Depending on how far down the Meth chain you are, you might
actually get to see the Meth before paying high dollar for it. Once you get more confused and it becomes routine,
you’ll start getting high while you buy more and maybe even get it fronted to you with a promise to pay later;
anything to keep you coming back for more. Then anticipating that moment of truth, …praying the chase was worth
it. Years of valuable life can be stolen from the addict as they live in a foggy daze day by day chasing Meth around,
blinded from comprehending reality. One moment you’re 25 years old and the next you’re 30 with a few hazy
memories.
You can also stimulate the Meth flow from a position closer to the fire and sell Meth. Start buying bags and losing
scales, always keeping that constant eye on freedom and power. But then, in comes Johnny Law with technology
that can trace your every paranoid step. The Meth dealer directs a small crowd compared to the wide range of
departments and the organized manpower dedicated to stopping the spread of Meth. It’s easy to forget to look the
intoxicated addict who comes to buy in the eye to verify intoxication, so you sell to the wrong person. Because of
this, the Meth dealer develops an attitude of distrust towards others and destroys any chance of building true
friendships, and even though they have many friends they will feel at a total distance from others. If you want an
extremely distrustful and agonizingly suspicious life, start using and selling Meth.
Addicts may become blinded as to cause and effect. Getting caught up, and not knowing, only surviving in their
delusioned world, the addict feels powerful and in control, when in fact the addict’s world may slowly be being
discovered, causing their loss of self-control to be realized. I believe a lot of addicts don’t realize just how serious
this game is until it’s too late. Make the wrong move and you’re out, either dead, left with disabling brain damage, or
waking up to realize that a choice made while desiring Meth just cost you 50 years in prison. To me that’s failure, not
only for the taxpayer, but also the addict. There’s another way to help the addict understand that doing Meth is
destroying his or her life and will not be tolerated.
Stopping the promotion of Meth stops the Meth problem from growing and runs Meth dealers out of town. Teaching
bits and pieces of the truth behind Meth addiction will never solve the Meth problem. I believe if the uneducated, or
naive person knew the full truth, before being consumed by Meth’s deception, would stop the innocent from falling.
We need to find new ways to educate the public in the whole truth about Meth addiction.
METH’S PAIN
Meth offers the user a wide range of emotional and psychological pain. At first when the person starts using Meth
their overall mental anguish and their tolerance for the drug is low. To them it’s a fun and exciting and overall
pleasurable experience. They bask in the newness of it, always thinking they have control over it. Only later do they
understand it’s a roller coaster ride and learn if they do more Meth when that feeling of desperation begins they can
avoid all the pain. All addicts have felt that urge or desperate want or need for more. That’s why they call it
addiction. I believe when the user reaches the level of a need so desperate they have to do something about it, they
are truly addicts. This can happen overnight.
With each fix the newcomer develops an uncontrollable desire to do more Meth. Each time the desire is satisfied the
more the addict is compelled to continue using Meth and that painful feeling of desperation grows. You think I’ll just
snort a few times, or I’ll only smoke it, and not use very often, so I won’t lose control over it and become addicted.
With other drugs that may be possible: but not with Meth. Meth brings a psychological surprise that makes it a
hundred, then five hundred, then a thousand times harder not to use and that period of desperation (time the addict
is unable to satisfy the
strong desire for more Meth) becomes quite painful. I believe anyone whose entire focus in life is ‘never running out’
to avoid expected pain, is a hardcore addict.
At first Meth is felt in the body as a long quiet rush, then, and as the addict continues to use Meth, the experience
quickly turns psychological. The addict becomes powerless as far as any ability to control the direction of his or her
thoughts. He or she will have a thousand ideas bouncing around and no concept of organization. This is the reason
why addicts will repeat their steps over and over again without being able to complete a task, forgetting where they
were going or what they were doing. In a Meth house it’s common to find many ‘projects’ go unfinished, everyone
having somewhere to be, or something to do, and never a thought for housekeeping. This passive mind can and will
become entangled with self-generated fears that consume the soul causing the user emotional pain. At times I felt
like I was crying inside and couldn't stop for five minuets to see if someone cared. And in time I believe no one did,
losing myself in all the confusion and disorganization. My ability to direct and control emotional well-being vanished.
The line between fantasy and reality gets painfully crossed.
Meth addiction over time turns into a psychological ‘need’ that’s very painful, so painful that addicts are willing to do
anything to escape it. The addicts can no longer function without it. This is when the addict becomes extremely
careless and gets involved with trading him or herself (esp. his or her self-respect) for drugs or starts committing
dangerous and high-risk crimes. At this level of addiction there is little or no pleasure, only momentary liberation
from pain. There’s a rule that follows all drug addiction: a short time of pleasure followed by a longer time of pain.
Meth addiction always catches up quickly and ends with jail, institutions, or death.
In my life it became a cycle that lasted three to five days. I would begin by doing a small fix to get up, dust myself off,
and get organized. After about an hour I would slip a fix to ‘get busy’ and do what I had to do to continue using Meth.
Six to ten hours later I would want to ‘get high’ and prepare and bump a rather large amount. Sometimes I did get
high, but most of the time the experience instantly turned into tweaking and skipping over the pleasure that I was so
urgently seeking. (Episodes of delusions and wild imaginations I refer to as tweaking.) And as the hours turned into
days and I desperately did more Meth and neared Meth psychosis, my tweaking would become very real, lifelike,
and very painful, even suicidal. I began to walk in a frightful world that was completely out of touch with this one:
almost as if I was fighting in a war with all my fears and knew I was losing. I would then cowardly hide up somewhere
until falling asleep, only to do it all over again in a few hours.
Why do it if it’s so painful? As the addicts’ addiction deepens and they increasingly lose self-control there comes a
time where the pain becomes almost comfortable, deserved, and expected. When you have no self-worth, self-
esteem, self-respect, and feel empty inside the pain becomes ‘something of substance’ the addict feels a
satisfaction in and holds onto and accepts. If they didn’t they would not continue to use Meth. So Meth addiction
then becomes a way to prove to yourself you’re not worthy, you’re disliked. This is when the addict chooses to
separate from others and feel undesirable. When this passive mind is no longer pleasurable or satisfying, the
addict, in time, gives up the search for pleasure and instead seeks self-destruction through pain, justifying their pain
with even more of Meth’s deception, resulting in fatal hardcore addiction. METH IS DEATHLY ADDICTIVE!
THE DESTRUCTION OF INNOCENCE
Meth is a drug that opens the door to unbelievable imaginations-thoughts that will terrify and consume the soul
completely. An example of this is when the addict believes in things not normally accepted through logical reasoning,
like believing there is someone under the bed when obviously there is not. Then it goes further. The addict may
begin to believe the bed is actually alive and breathing. This might sound stupid, but to the addict it’s very real and
they will react to it, always trying to prove it’s real.
Addicts may also hear voices even though no one is around. For me, it was as if someone was standing near me
speaking, even though I knew I was all-alone. I could only see ‘them’ in the reflection of my drinking glass. I would
turn up the stereo only to hear them even louder through the music. I have listened to their evil threats and insults.
Normal sounds slowly become words and the words start making sense, like when the refrigerator starts talking to
you.
In my times of continued intoxication, trees would come alive and take on personality, and the wind started to speak,
and it was all absolutely real and believable. At times, I had microscopic vision and watched the hairs on my skin
come alive and form into thousands of needle shaped insects, and could feel them poking me and crawling all over
my skin like praying mantises. I reacted by tearing all my clothes off and violently scraping the insects off with a soap
dish until I was a bloody mess. I have seen walls come alive, take ghostly shapes, and start floating around the
room; I reached out to touch ‘them’ only missing by inches. I have spent hours talking to the ‘little people’ as they
played in the fibers of my carpet. While sitting, I have felt the couch or chair come alive and start moving against my
body like many fingers; then destroying the furniture because it wouldn’t stop moving. In deathly fear, I have
carelessly ran with knives in hand and jumped into dumpsters before and quietly waited for the ‘meth demons’ to kill
me; they never came. I have restrained myself in closets for days, fearful this beast inside will become extremely
violent and hurt someone; I always hurt myself. I have spent painful hours exhausted, arms reached out, struggling
against fields of invisible string like a moth trapped in a spider’s web; I usually gave up and fell asleep. And feeling
threatened and unable to escape, praying to live and then losing self. Being cat, playing cat and mouse and
constantly stepping on mouse, pursing cat. Or the surprise fix that causes days without memory. I have ripped out
walls, torn up floors, destroyed vehicles, held knives to my throat, and lived supernaturally. There is no limit to the
imagination Meth offers.
Addicts can fill a book with the things they have experienced while tweaking. In the course of it all I have learned that
the fearful visions and delusions follow a pattern, which, once recognized, can be redirected. First there is a fear,
followed by thinking about the fear, and finally the fear being realized in the soul. For example, the intoxicated addict
hears a noise and stops his current train of thought. Recognizing a fear he or she might turn down the stereo and
begin thinking about the fear, maybe even quietly crawling over to the door and hoping for the next sound to be
clearer. If the sound happens again the intoxicated addict may start to think someone is outside trying to get in. All
of a sudden, the intoxicated addict believes someone is outside trying to do harm and reaches for a weapon and
waits. Now the ‘fear of danger’ is in charge and directing the addict to hide, feel threatened, and be afraid. Can you
imagine what would happen if someone came walking through that door. There has never been a time I felt safe
while tweaking.
Believing you are in war is emotionally the same as being in war. The brain cannot distinguish between what is real
and what is made up. And as wounded war soldiers will have nightmarish sights and sounds to overcome, so does
the Meth addict, except without the dignity and respect. Imagine your scariest fear coming to life. You see it in the
distance flying towards you and you try everything to stop it, but can’t. Soon it’s very close and it touches you. With
fear you may become emotionally wounded, causing hopelessness, and resulting in the emotional collapse of self.
At one point I believed I was captured and killed, then helplessly watched the ‘meth demons’ carefully separate my
body into many pieces. It was so frightful as they took enjoyment in slowly ripping my flesh off piece-by-piece and
horrifically laughing at me. It seemed to go on forever. I was terrified beyond explanation.
Meth not only screws up and changes the brain’s chemistry but it also strangles the joy out of life. Through terrifying
experiences, the innocent and most cherished and valued of thoughts are destroyed. This explains why recovering
Meth addicts find it difficult to create new hobbies, make new friends, or simply go for a walk. “Nothing gives me
pleasure or makes me happy.” I believe the more we understand the effects Meth produces in addicts the better we
will be at successfully treating them.
GETTING OUT
I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t totally destroy relations with their families. Even after all the shame I’ve
caused and disrespect I have shown towards my Mother and Father they still had faith in me and love for me and
offered to help. Without their help I would not have lived long enough to get out and triumph over Meth addiction.
First, I acknowledged that I had a problem and got out of the Meth world. I gained control over the negative influence
by distancing myself from all the addicts I had known and the places I had used drugs: making the drug more difficult
to obtain. It’s so much easier to get high if it’s in your friend’s pocket or across the street. I realized that by having
no self-control I was allowing anyone with Meth to come along and direct me into doing what he or she wanted me to
do. This also took me out of the ‘Meth’ game.
Second, I became employed; this took me off the streets and put me in an environment that supported health and
nutrition. Coming off long hardcore Meth use my body needed a healthy diet to heal. Meth gave me a false sense of
self. I was skin and bones yet felt like I was healthy. Using hard physical activity I overcame those first most powerful
‘want and need’ urges Meth brought. And by working a set task from start to finish I became more physically aware
of myself. I was made to focus on what was real instead of what Meth caused me to believe. In the course of doing
something productive (like helping others) I saw myself creating value and noticed that I was gradually gaining self-
esteem and self-worth. Physical activity also helped with the chronic depression and fatigue I experienced from
withdrawal.
Third, through trial and error I learned what my weakest points were. They included having money, connections,
associating with active users, too much free time, not letting go, not accepting change, and the desire for an escape
through Meth. Many times I have ripped up phone numbers, cut off friendships, distanced myself, regained self-
control, and again reach out for help. I was successful because when I slipped and made a mistake, I continued to
turn my focus back to what was most important (freedom from Meth) and kept trying a different approach.
Fourth, I regained conscious control of my passive physiological state of mind. When doing Meth an addict
consciously yet passively allows the ‘high’ to be felt in the body and mind. Throughout the years of addiction I was
actually putting my conscious self to sleep. It became extremely difficult to think or hold simple thoughts, let alone
remember anything. I felt burned out and needed to wake up my mind. I did this by keeping my mind active, writing a
journal, memorizing multiplication tables, reading books, using the Internet, learning new things, and structuring my
time. Another influential thing I did was to pick an object I had to always remember to carry around with me
(something I couldn’t put in my pocket) and if I forgot it, I had to go get it. This discipline took my focus off Meth and
directed it to something else: anything that would force me to control the direction of my thoughts. Meth destroys the
mind quicker than any other drug. It not only fries brain cells, but it also steals your thought life, causing the addict
to feel like they have no soul. Meth can also knock a person unconscious, similar to an alcoholic blackout, except
the person appears to be and acts fully alert. Even though I was no longer using Meth, I was still experiencing
suicidal and having severe psychotic moments. With the help of Fremont Counseling and others, I was placed on
various anti-psychotic medications to try stabilizing my thought processes and balance me out emotionally: so I
could function normally.
Fifth, I wanted to live and changed my view on death. Through the massive pain I experienced from Meth use, I
subconsciously developed a death wish. I examined all my known behaviors and found many of them were either
self-destructive or death-seeking: like a bad attitude, being hateful, not thinking before acting, obsessive smoking,
seeking depression, testing fate by careless actions, and causing self-inflicted injury. I understood that death could
mean just the opposite, being trapped in all my destructive behaviors and the pain for eternity with no escape, and
losing my only chance to free myself from the bondage forever. A hell I knew I couldn’t handle for long. I realized I
needed to choose between wanting to live and unknowingly continue seeking death. I found willpower and redirected
myself away from the addiction and towards gaining more wisdom in the deception. I started learning what helped
other recovering Meth addicts find freedom. I understood my addiction as something I had to deal with; it wasn’t just
going to go away. I surrounded myself with positive experiences and influences: like listening to uplifting music,
watching funny shows, hanging inspirational posters, associating with happy passionate people, helping others,
accepting change, and telling myself and believing that I am getting better. I began sowing seeds for a new positive
lifestyle change.
Sixth, I developed a new belief in myself. I found someone I was able to become close too and trust, someone who
had faith in me, someone I wanted to become more alike, someone with higher values, morals, and positive belief in
themselves. I learned more about them, how do they react in certain situations, how do they spend their time. This
enabled me to begin believing that I was becoming someone special, someone with purpose, someone focused, and
someone constantly creating value. I started feeling worthy of friendship and love. I expected a higher level of
personal satisfaction. I saw my life improving, collecting substance, making friends, and having self-control. I finally
reached a point where I recognized myself and enjoyed spending time with myself. I actually liked myself. I liked
myself! I noticed my lifestyle had changed; I was now spending my time doing productive things and sought to find
new meaning in life. And after almost a year of tearfully fighting the painful addiction: I truly desired to be Meth-free.
Seventh, I changed how I viewed Meth addiction and stopped seeing Meth as something pleasant or satisfying. I
developed a disapproving attitude towards Meth. I focused on the pain Meth created in me and accepting its
deception. I looked at Meth as being stupid, weak minded, degrading, and costly: something foolish people did. I
realized the truth, that Meth was hurting me, costing me dearly, stealing my self-control, enslaving me, and wasting
valuable time. I started to lose interest in Meth, even forgetting all about it. And as I gained more control over myself
I was able to push the deception and addiction farther and farther away and through willpower I was finally able to let
go. I understood myself as being free from the deception Meth presented. I filled the emptiness I felt by cultivating a
different outlook on life with new possibilities and new goals to achieve.
And then it happened: Meth came by one day and knocked on my door and without giving it a second thought I
turned it away. Only later did I realize that Meth was unappealing and something I didn’t want around me anymore. I
then noticed that I no longer had a desire for Meth or felt a ‘need’ for it. I was now living Meth-free and was happy
and in control and experiencing a new freedom: the Freedom From Meth. The powerful and deathly grip Meth held
over me was finally broken.
RECOVERY
The road to sobriety is a personal, painful and challenging one to travel, but one all addicts must take to truly be
free. Everything in the Meth lifestyle I had become accustomed to, I now had to train myself not to desire after. This
training in itself was very difficult and took extreme willpower and self-control. At times I had to give that control over
to a higher power to give me strength over bad behavior and the quick fix. I firmly believe in Jesus Christ and put
faith in him to stand me on my feet when I fell and to give me courage to keep on fighting. I would not have
succeeded without his continued and dedicated love. A higher power is the key to be successful.
The most painful part of recovery is learning to become friends with yourself. Taking a good look in the mirror and
facing the facts. I needed to find the reason I wanted to run from myself in the first place. What was it about me that
made me want to seek an escape through addiction? Forgiving myself was the greatest challenge I had to meet.
Then forgiving all those people who acted hurtful towards me. I basically had to just let go. Let it all go. I am also
changing the quality of my thoughts. I used to tell myself that I couldn’t live without Meth or that I hated myself and
did not deserve to be happy. I discipline myself daily to search for a higher quality of internal communication to
occur, like saying, “I like myself and I can do this because I’m worth it.”
Another part of recovery has to do with saying goodbye to all your friends. As you progress in your new freedom
you will find that people who use Meth become less appealing to you and you will feel different from them to the
point of doubting a friendship could ever have existed. Becoming an addict your life comes to a standstill and you
stop growing and developing emotionally, so with sobriety the addict’s life becomes boring to you, always chasing
the same desires. By noticing the difference between other addicts and myself I began to comprehend the deception
of Meth. I have also had difficulty cooperating with people from my past. I have accepted that my addiction affected
everyone around me, causing hurt feelings. Daily I ask for forgiveness knowing I don’t always get it. I hurt others and
I suppose some hurts are too painful to be dealt with. I pray in time the lord will soften their hearts. I understand that
no matter what I do today I can never change the past. The past is the past.
All recovering Meth addicts must pass through a period of time they honestly make an effort to make right the
wrongs committed. This could be as simple as writing an apology letter, contacting the person, resolving conflicting
issues, and finding ways to repay society for the cost of your addiction. By doing this, the addict not only gains the
willpower to let go of the shame and guilt associated with the wrong deed, but it also puts them in a position of
accepting respect and positive encouragement. Granted not everyone is forgiving and willing to accept the new you.
Just understand that it’s something that they will have to learn to live with, not you. Through the determined effort to
receive forgiveness the addicts become humble and forgiving and they learn to forgive themselves of wrongdoing
and are able to move on.
A realistic recovery for those who have made drug addiction their livelihood for an extended length of time has to do
with learning how to live within the law while earning a living. If I sold insurance for twenty years I would probably be
pretty good at it, maybe even having a difficult time finding something else to do. In fact, I would feel like I was
starting over, being insecure and unsure how to behave, and learning like a child. In your transition in lifestyles, at
some point it will seem like you have no friends, nobody you presently know, or are close too, understand your
change in behavior: and that should only be expected. I believe when the recovering addict feels this way they need
to find someone who is legally earning a living doing something of interest to them, and then follow their example. If I
liked working on cars I would become friends with a sober auto mechanic. I have found this to be the easiest way to
learn a new lifestyle and earn a new livelihood.
An often overlooked, but important part of recovery is in the area of personal finance. By now I had used up all my
resources for income and never learned proper responsibility for paying bills. After fifteen years of being an addict I
have a lot of catching up to do. The steady stream of neglected bills coming in never seems to stop. It’s amazing
how many people remembered I owed them money. I have over seven thousand dollars in dental expenses alone. I
find it very challenging and almost impossible to get ahead financially.
I look at recovery as a time to pay my dues, heal from the pain, and get used to fighting my own battles in a new
world without Meth. Everyday is filled with new opportunities and problems to overcome. Will I be able to stand
strong with courage and not fall? Or will I begin to doubt and seek an escape once more if things go seriously
wrong? I don’t know, I just know that I’m more in control of my own life and much stronger, healthier, and happier
today than I was yesterday.
A NEW DAY
My life is so new. I understand things I have never known before about myself. I get excited meeting true friends and
extended family members and seeing just how different each of our lives can be. I believe we all individually choose
what lifestyle best fits our needs at any given time. I never knew I didn’t have to put on a show to get someone to like
me. I am liked for the way I am and if not, hey, that’s O.K., I no longer let it affect me. I now know who I am and am
proud of the friendship I have developed with myself. I love being me. I choose what I want to do today without
needing to use Meth to make it through another day. No longer are my thoughts driven by the wind.
I am inspired daily with new ideas on how my life could be that much better. I think back on all those years of running
and understand it for what it has taught me. I see the stupidity of my actions, the desperation in my thoughts, and
the unstable feelings and emotions. I believed I was in charge of my own life only to be shown I wasn’t.
Sobriety was something that I chose to do on my own. Treatment could not or did not work for me. I had tried
everything they offered me, from the A.A.s to the U.A.s., I even got lost in the steps a few times. In fact, making
amends, communicating with a higher power, making amends, alone, over and over again never worked for anyone I
knew. Sure, they’re both important issues that need to be addressed, but far from the whole truth. The decision to
quit had to come from within. I had to lose everything I thought valuable and good in my life to learn this. Freezing in
the streets a few years, experiencing Meth addiction’s end result, I knew that life was not for me. I deeply regret what
I missed out on and what I can never change and the mistakes that I have made: all because I chose to continue
using Meth. Believe me, the price you pay for using Meth is far greater than the pleasure of the ‘high’ that you are
seeking and constantly chasing. With each fix I freely gave away my happiness and joy and hope in life. Because of
this I carry a hatred for the drug and what it does to people. I see the deception and destruction it has brought into
my life.
Everyday I wake up I feel that itch to use; it’s just another consequence that I’ll live with for the rest of my life. But by
refusing to negotiate I avoid all the self-doubt. Now I know what my addiction really costs. It’s not the price I paid for
the Meth; it’s what the Meth stole from me in return. I lost my wife and only child, and the chance of having more
children forever due to my addiction problems. Meth nearly took my life and almost destroyed all that I knew or could
become, not including all the physical and mental health problems that I am now faced to overcome. Hope, faith and
belief in myself are all I really have left.
I am proud of my achievement and in the fact that I’m Meth-free and feel sorry for those still trapped in Meth’s
deception. I guess this is my way of reaching out to them, and giving them hope. I feel great knowing I’m in charge of
my life and free from that king called Meth. Anyone can defeat Meth addiction if they just wakeup and take action
against it. My prayer goes out to all addicts that they too will find FREEDOM FROM METH.
Faithful, well-educated, God-loving parents in small-town America reared me. My Mom and Dad were never afraid to
teach me right from wrong. From the youngest age I was taught that drugs and alcohol are addictive and could cost
me my life. By the time I was 13 years old, however, curiosity took hold and I had my first drink. From there came
pot, and then cocaine at 15. After that I had to try anything and everything to satisfy the need for an escape from
feeling and being me. Of course at the time I thought I was just searching for the biggest party or who had the best
dope.
After numerous hospital admissions for drug and alcohol use and abuse I became a true and dependent addict at
24. I was now spending over 90% of my time looking for ways to get high and stay high. I did not notice my life was
falling apart nor did I even think of what it was really costing me. When age 30 came rolling around and cocaine
burned itself out and drinking became unsatisfying, I needed to find something that I could use to help me continue
in my escape from self. The guilt and shame just hurt too badly to deal with; there had to be something that worked.
Deciding heroin was the best escape of all, I chose to introduce the needle. And as expected my life went from bad
to worse. With heroin, a few precious moments of heaven always lead to a deeply cold eerie desire for more. Heroin
addiction is also a forlorn addiction. After living and learning just how deadly a choice seeking a higher heroin high
could be, I reached for Meth reasoning that, “at least I’m not doing heroin.” Now Meth entered in as king. He was
very deceitful at first; giving me all the energy and excitement I wanted. Meth was so cheap to use and everybody
had it. Foolish me, I fell for it hook, line, and sinker and gave Meth my heart and soul.
Throughout my years of addiction I was able to keep a job, at least some of the time, though my employment never
could supply my habit. About age 32 my ability to perform in a working environment became difficult to manage so I
settled into permanent unemployment and accepted it. I had already been through all the court-ordered
rehabilitation programs you can think of, never once changing the way I viewed my addiction. I saw treatment as a
game you had to play if you got caught. ‘They’ had the problem, not me. To me life was about running from the pain
and entertaining the pleasure.
Before long the king had taken full control and left me out in the cold. I was now homeless, living out of a storage
unit, and feeling lucky if I could pay the $45 monthly rental fee. I had nothing but a few blankets, a collection of
trading items, and a bag of Meth. My whole focus in life became Meth, and never running out. Everything I did
supported my Meth addiction and if it didn’t I wouldn’t be a part of it: like a family reunion or associating with non-
users. Food was always a second or third thought, if a thought at all. And learning that all my friends were really
addicts using me to continue their high destroyed any sense of self-worth and self-respect I had left. My world was
reduced to loneliness, humiliation, rejection, hatred, and a fear of everyone and everything. And…I didn’t even care.
As long as the dope man showed up on time everything would be all right.
Not until I woke up in a strange hospital did I take notice that I was still breathing. Sobering up for the first time in
many years gave me an opportunity to take a look at what was really going on with me. I was shocked, …that’s not
me, I thought. What have I become? Why is everyone angry with me? Where did all the love go? Who stole all my
things along with intimacy and trust? Do I really want to die? Really, really want to die? Is death better than this or
will I be enslaved to addiction for eternity? I could no longer recognize the reflection in the mirror.
And death was no longer just a fantasy. Sure, there had been those times I would wake up after falling on the floor
and not think twice about it. But this time, this time I knew I had pushed it too far and should have died. I remember
getting high with a friend and then coming to three days later, nearly naked, in an eight-by-six foot enclosed room.
Then waking up secured to a bed in a locked-down psychiatric ward of a hospital. Lost and confused I was in
desperate need of answers. I needed someone I truly trusted and knew in my heart cared. I wanted nothing more
than to be held and told everything’s going to be all right. And yet, I was too afraid to reach out and ask for help,
because I just knew they wouldn't understand. I was trapped and totally all-alone with no one and nowhere to turn.
The doctors were telling me that I was crazy, the police showing me to be a criminal*, and people sharing their
hatred and pity. I could no longer take hold or understand myself and didn’t comprehend how to free myself from the
deception that held me. I quickly realized that I had no self-control and was being directed continually by Meth’s
wishes and I had become as dead. …And now Meth deserted me!
On that hospital bed June 2004 I made a life-changing decision: I would do whatever it took to conquer all addiction,
starting with Meth, and I would no longer seek an escape from feeling and being me. I really had no choice; it was
either that or a drug-induced suicide. I was too completely controlled by Meth's desires and visions to escape it.
What could I do though; I had nothing, no home, no money, no friends and surely no plan for sobriety. Just the
thought of sobriety sent fear down my spine: having to live a life I had never known. So I prayed to the Lord and
asked him for forgiveness and freedom from the King called Meth. I begged him for knowledge and power over it.
And he answered.
THE DECEPTION
Meth, what is it really? A powerful deception! At first, it’s energetic, exciting, eventful, and very entertaining. Offering
anything that the curious desire.
I can feel the pinprick against my skin. Now my vein begins to burn and the heat follows up my arm and
shoulder disappearing into my chest. The room goes dark and suddenly very peaceful warmth fills my every
part. I become enveloped in an incredible intense sense of freedom and power and release, as in a continued
sexual climax, floating high above any limitation, including my body. I have no fear, no doubt, and no pain,
for I am comfortably numb. Oh, how long will this feeling last, forever I hope. My neck twitches and my arm
itches, wow, what a rush. Let’s go. Let’s go. I have so much to do. Run here, run there, do this, do that. Take
this, take that, trade this, trade that. Tweak this, tweak that, lose this, lose that. Hear this, hear that, hide
this, hide that. Fear this, fear that, close this, close that. Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s not.
It’s quite simple. Meth becomes a ritual that is played out every time the user chooses. Thinking and believing that
ecstasy is seconds away, the user is deceived into living in a world that does not exist. A world based on an
expectation of what Meth can give. Newcomers only understand the positive effects of the drug, not knowing the
truth behind each fix. The truth is that over time, as the ritual is played out again and again, a corrupt lifestyle is
created in which the user is consumed by Meth’s demoralizing desires and deceived into thinking they received the
high they first remembered, when in fact the addict only gets a temporary lessening of the craving and a
disorganized day. On top of that, they feel that incredible and painful ‘need for more’, causing them to become
trapped in
rituals and destructive behaviors that are no longer satisfying and in time they become controlled by Meth addiction
to the point of acting like slaves, giving Meth everything they have: their time, their money, their friends, and their
total devotion. All for what Meth deceived them into believing they’d get, which they don’t even get. The actual time
spent enjoying the “high” is reduced to minutes and the constant, painful and risky pursuit getting more only
becomes more desperate and time consuming. And through the continued living of a corrupted lifestyle the addict
gives up self-esteem and self-respect.
When an addict is told Meth is on the way, or it’s in the other room, their excitement greatly increases. Some make
ready for the expected ritual by making sure everything is just right. “I’m going to enjoy this one, I deserve it, and I
earned it.” They cherish its arrival and without a second thought trust it with their life, never realizing that they are
not experiencing anything they had experienced at first. It’s like someone receiving a gift. They shake the box and
happily unwrap it with excitement in the expectation of something they want. And refusing to believe the box is
empty. The thought that the Meth wasn’t ‘any good’ becomes a lot more common the deeper into addiction you get.
Hardcore Meth addicts know it’s a game of cat and mouse and the ‘highs’ are few and far in between, like an
alcoholic drinking alcohol and never being able to get drunk. They continue to use more to avoid feeling bad than to
gain pleasure. What a powerful deception Meth creates in a user who chooses to allow it.
DESIRING METH
The desire for and never-ending pursuit of Meth. The things some addicts will do to get more, from stealing from a
friend to working a clever scam to promoting Meth to becoming a Meth dealer. Addicts soon learn they have to find
someone else to help pay for their habit. They have creative minds in coming up with ways that enable them to keep
using. If they are not earning it, they will have to deceive someone for it.
Working a dishonest scam the addict may look for security flaws in the system or try to build trust in the victim. For
example, if I were looking at a business to defraud I might search for ways around store security and weaknesses in
all transactions or refunds. If I valued something of yours to supply my habit, I might set up a female addict to
befriend you and draw you away from it, enabling another addict to steal it, taking full advantage of group effort. I
would do anything I could to deceive you into giving me something for nothing. Anything stolen is cursed; all the
thieves that I have known never could hold onto what they had stolen for very long and were always broke. It’s feast
or famine, one day you’re driving a $50,000. SUV and the next day you’re begging for a ride.
The most common way to increase Meth flow is to manipulate the social aspect of it: promoting the desire in others
to use Meth for your own personal gain. To successfully find that ‘someone’ who can help support your habit you
must seek people who are not as addicted or controlled by Meth addiction as you are and then deceive them into
using, and using more often. In other words, the more available I have Meth to be used by the naïve user,
encouraging them to use more often, causing them increased addiction, gaining increased dependence on me, and
increasing Meth flow, the easier it becomes to support my habit.
And forget trying to profit off anyone more knowledgeable and controlled by Meth addiction. Seldom do you see
hard-core addicts buying dope from addicts or even the naive user. It only happens when the hard-core addict is out
of an immediate connection and looking to reconnect. In the drug world there is a vicious fight between all players to
get connected with the top supply man. Common sense tells you prices go down the closer to the fire you get and
through years of dependence the hard-core addict learns how to turn situations to their favor and will profit off your
ignorance. A person would be quite surprised in how much hate and backstabbing goes on behind the scene.
Remember they are supporting an extremely expensive habit, so don’t get upset when they step up and make you
look and feel like an idiot. You’re only being foolish if you actually think they like you. It’s use or be used, period!
What the naïve, new user does not realize is that in the Meth world there is no such thing as free Meth. Never is
Meth just given away; you don’t buy it at the store: it costs twice as much as gold and is hard to hold onto. You
would be a fool to go around giving all your gold rings away and not expect something in return. Hell, you wouldn’t
last a week. I think back to the times that I was in distressed need and how little I cared about others just so I could
profit off their ignorance some way. The addicts that I have helped degenerate into starving wolves, leaving all
respect at the door, and yet I continued to support their addiction because I had to support mine. Believe me, it’s
something you’ll deeply regret and never forget. Please, always take into consideration why someone’s offering to
get you high for ‘nothing’ and think twice: understanding his or her reasoning behind it. Anyone promoting Meth is
not your friend and only looking to use you.
Now once you have money or something of value you will need to contact a Meth dealer and hope he’s got some for
you. Sometimes you have to call several people before locating it. You might have a list of Meth dealers you owe
money to so you don’t make the mistake calling one of them. After contact you set up a time and place to meet and
expect they understood the directions correctly. Depending on how far down the Meth chain you are, you might
actually get to see the Meth before paying high dollar for it. Once you get more confused and it becomes routine,
you’ll start getting high while you buy more and maybe even get it fronted to you with a promise to pay later;
anything to keep you coming back for more. Then anticipating that moment of truth, …praying the chase was worth
it. Years of valuable life can be stolen from the addict as they live in a foggy daze day by day chasing Meth around,
blinded from comprehending reality. One moment you’re 25 years old and the next you’re 30 with a few hazy
memories.
You can also stimulate the Meth flow from a position closer to the fire and sell Meth. Start buying bags and losing
scales, always keeping that constant eye on freedom and power. But then, in comes Johnny Law with technology
that can trace your every paranoid step. The Meth dealer directs a small crowd compared to the wide range of
departments and the organized manpower dedicated to stopping the spread of Meth. It’s easy to forget to look the
intoxicated addict who comes to buy in the eye to verify intoxication, so you sell to the wrong person. Because of
this, the Meth dealer develops an attitude of distrust towards others and destroys any chance of building true
friendships, and even though they have many friends they will feel at a total distance from others. If you want an
extremely distrustful and agonizingly suspicious life, start using and selling Meth.
Addicts may become blinded as to cause and effect. Getting caught up, and not knowing, only surviving in their
delusioned world, the addict feels powerful and in control, when in fact the addict’s world may slowly be being
discovered, causing their loss of self-control to be realized. I believe a lot of addicts don’t realize just how serious
this game is until it’s too late. Make the wrong move and you’re out, either dead, left with disabling brain damage, or
waking up to realize that a choice made while desiring Meth just cost you 50 years in prison. To me that’s failure, not
only for the taxpayer, but also the addict. There’s another way to help the addict understand that doing Meth is
destroying his or her life and will not be tolerated.
Stopping the promotion of Meth stops the Meth problem from growing and runs Meth dealers out of town. Teaching
bits and pieces of the truth behind Meth addiction will never solve the Meth problem. I believe if the uneducated, or
naive person knew the full truth, before being consumed by Meth’s deception, would stop the innocent from falling.
We need to find new ways to educate the public in the whole truth about Meth addiction.
METH’S PAIN
Meth offers the user a wide range of emotional and psychological pain. At first when the person starts using Meth
their overall mental anguish and their tolerance for the drug is low. To them it’s a fun and exciting and overall
pleasurable experience. They bask in the newness of it, always thinking they have control over it. Only later do they
understand it’s a roller coaster ride and learn if they do more Meth when that feeling of desperation begins they can
avoid all the pain. All addicts have felt that urge or desperate want or need for more. That’s why they call it
addiction. I believe when the user reaches the level of a need so desperate they have to do something about it, they
are truly addicts. This can happen overnight.
With each fix the newcomer develops an uncontrollable desire to do more Meth. Each time the desire is satisfied the
more the addict is compelled to continue using Meth and that painful feeling of desperation grows. You think I’ll just
snort a few times, or I’ll only smoke it, and not use very often, so I won’t lose control over it and become addicted.
With other drugs that may be possible: but not with Meth. Meth brings a psychological surprise that makes it a
hundred, then five hundred, then a thousand times harder not to use and that period of desperation (time the addict
is unable to satisfy the
strong desire for more Meth) becomes quite painful. I believe anyone whose entire focus in life is ‘never running out’
to avoid expected pain, is a hardcore addict.
At first Meth is felt in the body as a long quiet rush, then, and as the addict continues to use Meth, the experience
quickly turns psychological. The addict becomes powerless as far as any ability to control the direction of his or her
thoughts. He or she will have a thousand ideas bouncing around and no concept of organization. This is the reason
why addicts will repeat their steps over and over again without being able to complete a task, forgetting where they
were going or what they were doing. In a Meth house it’s common to find many ‘projects’ go unfinished, everyone
having somewhere to be, or something to do, and never a thought for housekeeping. This passive mind can and will
become entangled with self-generated fears that consume the soul causing the user emotional pain. At times I felt
like I was crying inside and couldn't stop for five minuets to see if someone cared. And in time I believe no one did,
losing myself in all the confusion and disorganization. My ability to direct and control emotional well-being vanished.
The line between fantasy and reality gets painfully crossed.
Meth addiction over time turns into a psychological ‘need’ that’s very painful, so painful that addicts are willing to do
anything to escape it. The addicts can no longer function without it. This is when the addict becomes extremely
careless and gets involved with trading him or herself (esp. his or her self-respect) for drugs or starts committing
dangerous and high-risk crimes. At this level of addiction there is little or no pleasure, only momentary liberation
from pain. There’s a rule that follows all drug addiction: a short time of pleasure followed by a longer time of pain.
Meth addiction always catches up quickly and ends with jail, institutions, or death.
In my life it became a cycle that lasted three to five days. I would begin by doing a small fix to get up, dust myself off,
and get organized. After about an hour I would slip a fix to ‘get busy’ and do what I had to do to continue using Meth.
Six to ten hours later I would want to ‘get high’ and prepare and bump a rather large amount. Sometimes I did get
high, but most of the time the experience instantly turned into tweaking and skipping over the pleasure that I was so
urgently seeking. (Episodes of delusions and wild imaginations I refer to as tweaking.) And as the hours turned into
days and I desperately did more Meth and neared Meth psychosis, my tweaking would become very real, lifelike,
and very painful, even suicidal. I began to walk in a frightful world that was completely out of touch with this one:
almost as if I was fighting in a war with all my fears and knew I was losing. I would then cowardly hide up somewhere
until falling asleep, only to do it all over again in a few hours.
Why do it if it’s so painful? As the addicts’ addiction deepens and they increasingly lose self-control there comes a
time where the pain becomes almost comfortable, deserved, and expected. When you have no self-worth, self-
esteem, self-respect, and feel empty inside the pain becomes ‘something of substance’ the addict feels a
satisfaction in and holds onto and accepts. If they didn’t they would not continue to use Meth. So Meth addiction
then becomes a way to prove to yourself you’re not worthy, you’re disliked. This is when the addict chooses to
separate from others and feel undesirable. When this passive mind is no longer pleasurable or satisfying, the
addict, in time, gives up the search for pleasure and instead seeks self-destruction through pain, justifying their pain
with even more of Meth’s deception, resulting in fatal hardcore addiction. METH IS DEATHLY ADDICTIVE!
THE DESTRUCTION OF INNOCENCE
Meth is a drug that opens the door to unbelievable imaginations-thoughts that will terrify and consume the soul
completely. An example of this is when the addict believes in things not normally accepted through logical reasoning,
like believing there is someone under the bed when obviously there is not. Then it goes further. The addict may
begin to believe the bed is actually alive and breathing. This might sound stupid, but to the addict it’s very real and
they will react to it, always trying to prove it’s real.
Addicts may also hear voices even though no one is around. For me, it was as if someone was standing near me
speaking, even though I knew I was all-alone. I could only see ‘them’ in the reflection of my drinking glass. I would
turn up the stereo only to hear them even louder through the music. I have listened to their evil threats and insults.
Normal sounds slowly become words and the words start making sense, like when the refrigerator starts talking to
you.
In my times of continued intoxication, trees would come alive and take on personality, and the wind started to speak,
and it was all absolutely real and believable. At times, I had microscopic vision and watched the hairs on my skin
come alive and form into thousands of needle shaped insects, and could feel them poking me and crawling all over
my skin like praying mantises. I reacted by tearing all my clothes off and violently scraping the insects off with a soap
dish until I was a bloody mess. I have seen walls come alive, take ghostly shapes, and start floating around the
room; I reached out to touch ‘them’ only missing by inches. I have spent hours talking to the ‘little people’ as they
played in the fibers of my carpet. While sitting, I have felt the couch or chair come alive and start moving against my
body like many fingers; then destroying the furniture because it wouldn’t stop moving. In deathly fear, I have
carelessly ran with knives in hand and jumped into dumpsters before and quietly waited for the ‘meth demons’ to kill
me; they never came. I have restrained myself in closets for days, fearful this beast inside will become extremely
violent and hurt someone; I always hurt myself. I have spent painful hours exhausted, arms reached out, struggling
against fields of invisible string like a moth trapped in a spider’s web; I usually gave up and fell asleep. And feeling
threatened and unable to escape, praying to live and then losing self. Being cat, playing cat and mouse and
constantly stepping on mouse, pursing cat. Or the surprise fix that causes days without memory. I have ripped out
walls, torn up floors, destroyed vehicles, held knives to my throat, and lived supernaturally. There is no limit to the
imagination Meth offers.
Addicts can fill a book with the things they have experienced while tweaking. In the course of it all I have learned that
the fearful visions and delusions follow a pattern, which, once recognized, can be redirected. First there is a fear,
followed by thinking about the fear, and finally the fear being realized in the soul. For example, the intoxicated addict
hears a noise and stops his current train of thought. Recognizing a fear he or she might turn down the stereo and
begin thinking about the fear, maybe even quietly crawling over to the door and hoping for the next sound to be
clearer. If the sound happens again the intoxicated addict may start to think someone is outside trying to get in. All
of a sudden, the intoxicated addict believes someone is outside trying to do harm and reaches for a weapon and
waits. Now the ‘fear of danger’ is in charge and directing the addict to hide, feel threatened, and be afraid. Can you
imagine what would happen if someone came walking through that door. There has never been a time I felt safe
while tweaking.
Believing you are in war is emotionally the same as being in war. The brain cannot distinguish between what is real
and what is made up. And as wounded war soldiers will have nightmarish sights and sounds to overcome, so does
the Meth addict, except without the dignity and respect. Imagine your scariest fear coming to life. You see it in the
distance flying towards you and you try everything to stop it, but can’t. Soon it’s very close and it touches you. With
fear you may become emotionally wounded, causing hopelessness, and resulting in the emotional collapse of self.
At one point I believed I was captured and killed, then helplessly watched the ‘meth demons’ carefully separate my
body into many pieces. It was so frightful as they took enjoyment in slowly ripping my flesh off piece-by-piece and
horrifically laughing at me. It seemed to go on forever. I was terrified beyond explanation.
Meth not only screws up and changes the brain’s chemistry but it also strangles the joy out of life. Through terrifying
experiences, the innocent and most cherished and valued of thoughts are destroyed. This explains why recovering
Meth addicts find it difficult to create new hobbies, make new friends, or simply go for a walk. “Nothing gives me
pleasure or makes me happy.” I believe the more we understand the effects Meth produces in addicts the better we
will be at successfully treating them.
GETTING OUT
I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t totally destroy relations with their families. Even after all the shame I’ve
caused and disrespect I have shown towards my Mother and Father they still had faith in me and love for me and
offered to help. Without their help I would not have lived long enough to get out and triumph over Meth addiction.
First, I acknowledged that I had a problem and got out of the Meth world. I gained control over the negative influence
by distancing myself from all the addicts I had known and the places I had used drugs: making the drug more difficult
to obtain. It’s so much easier to get high if it’s in your friend’s pocket or across the street. I realized that by having
no self-control I was allowing anyone with Meth to come along and direct me into doing what he or she wanted me to
do. This also took me out of the ‘Meth’ game.
Second, I became employed; this took me off the streets and put me in an environment that supported health and
nutrition. Coming off long hardcore Meth use my body needed a healthy diet to heal. Meth gave me a false sense of
self. I was skin and bones yet felt like I was healthy. Using hard physical activity I overcame those first most powerful
‘want and need’ urges Meth brought. And by working a set task from start to finish I became more physically aware
of myself. I was made to focus on what was real instead of what Meth caused me to believe. In the course of doing
something productive (like helping others) I saw myself creating value and noticed that I was gradually gaining self-
esteem and self-worth. Physical activity also helped with the chronic depression and fatigue I experienced from
withdrawal.
Third, through trial and error I learned what my weakest points were. They included having money, connections,
associating with active users, too much free time, not letting go, not accepting change, and the desire for an escape
through Meth. Many times I have ripped up phone numbers, cut off friendships, distanced myself, regained self-
control, and again reach out for help. I was successful because when I slipped and made a mistake, I continued to
turn my focus back to what was most important (freedom from Meth) and kept trying a different approach.
Fourth, I regained conscious control of my passive physiological state of mind. When doing Meth an addict
consciously yet passively allows the ‘high’ to be felt in the body and mind. Throughout the years of addiction I was
actually putting my conscious self to sleep. It became extremely difficult to think or hold simple thoughts, let alone
remember anything. I felt burned out and needed to wake up my mind. I did this by keeping my mind active, writing a
journal, memorizing multiplication tables, reading books, using the Internet, learning new things, and structuring my
time. Another influential thing I did was to pick an object I had to always remember to carry around with me
(something I couldn’t put in my pocket) and if I forgot it, I had to go get it. This discipline took my focus off Meth and
directed it to something else: anything that would force me to control the direction of my thoughts. Meth destroys the
mind quicker than any other drug. It not only fries brain cells, but it also steals your thought life, causing the addict
to feel like they have no soul. Meth can also knock a person unconscious, similar to an alcoholic blackout, except
the person appears to be and acts fully alert. Even though I was no longer using Meth, I was still experiencing
suicidal and having severe psychotic moments. With the help of Fremont Counseling and others, I was placed on
various anti-psychotic medications to try stabilizing my thought processes and balance me out emotionally: so I
could function normally.
Fifth, I wanted to live and changed my view on death. Through the massive pain I experienced from Meth use, I
subconsciously developed a death wish. I examined all my known behaviors and found many of them were either
self-destructive or death-seeking: like a bad attitude, being hateful, not thinking before acting, obsessive smoking,
seeking depression, testing fate by careless actions, and causing self-inflicted injury. I understood that death could
mean just the opposite, being trapped in all my destructive behaviors and the pain for eternity with no escape, and
losing my only chance to free myself from the bondage forever. A hell I knew I couldn’t handle for long. I realized I
needed to choose between wanting to live and unknowingly continue seeking death. I found willpower and redirected
myself away from the addiction and towards gaining more wisdom in the deception. I started learning what helped
other recovering Meth addicts find freedom. I understood my addiction as something I had to deal with; it wasn’t just
going to go away. I surrounded myself with positive experiences and influences: like listening to uplifting music,
watching funny shows, hanging inspirational posters, associating with happy passionate people, helping others,
accepting change, and telling myself and believing that I am getting better. I began sowing seeds for a new positive
lifestyle change.
Sixth, I developed a new belief in myself. I found someone I was able to become close too and trust, someone who
had faith in me, someone I wanted to become more alike, someone with higher values, morals, and positive belief in
themselves. I learned more about them, how do they react in certain situations, how do they spend their time. This
enabled me to begin believing that I was becoming someone special, someone with purpose, someone focused, and
someone constantly creating value. I started feeling worthy of friendship and love. I expected a higher level of
personal satisfaction. I saw my life improving, collecting substance, making friends, and having self-control. I finally
reached a point where I recognized myself and enjoyed spending time with myself. I actually liked myself. I liked
myself! I noticed my lifestyle had changed; I was now spending my time doing productive things and sought to find
new meaning in life. And after almost a year of tearfully fighting the painful addiction: I truly desired to be Meth-free.
Seventh, I changed how I viewed Meth addiction and stopped seeing Meth as something pleasant or satisfying. I
developed a disapproving attitude towards Meth. I focused on the pain Meth created in me and accepting its
deception. I looked at Meth as being stupid, weak minded, degrading, and costly: something foolish people did. I
realized the truth, that Meth was hurting me, costing me dearly, stealing my self-control, enslaving me, and wasting
valuable time. I started to lose interest in Meth, even forgetting all about it. And as I gained more control over myself
I was able to push the deception and addiction farther and farther away and through willpower I was finally able to let
go. I understood myself as being free from the deception Meth presented. I filled the emptiness I felt by cultivating a
different outlook on life with new possibilities and new goals to achieve.
And then it happened: Meth came by one day and knocked on my door and without giving it a second thought I
turned it away. Only later did I realize that Meth was unappealing and something I didn’t want around me anymore. I
then noticed that I no longer had a desire for Meth or felt a ‘need’ for it. I was now living Meth-free and was happy
and in control and experiencing a new freedom: the Freedom From Meth. The powerful and deathly grip Meth held
over me was finally broken.
RECOVERY
The road to sobriety is a personal, painful and challenging one to travel, but one all addicts must take to truly be
free. Everything in the Meth lifestyle I had become accustomed to, I now had to train myself not to desire after. This
training in itself was very difficult and took extreme willpower and self-control. At times I had to give that control over
to a higher power to give me strength over bad behavior and the quick fix. I firmly believe in Jesus Christ and put
faith in him to stand me on my feet when I fell and to give me courage to keep on fighting. I would not have
succeeded without his continued and dedicated love. A higher power is the key to be successful.
The most painful part of recovery is learning to become friends with yourself. Taking a good look in the mirror and
facing the facts. I needed to find the reason I wanted to run from myself in the first place. What was it about me that
made me want to seek an escape through addiction? Forgiving myself was the greatest challenge I had to meet.
Then forgiving all those people who acted hurtful towards me. I basically had to just let go. Let it all go. I am also
changing the quality of my thoughts. I used to tell myself that I couldn’t live without Meth or that I hated myself and
did not deserve to be happy. I discipline myself daily to search for a higher quality of internal communication to
occur, like saying, “I like myself and I can do this because I’m worth it.”
Another part of recovery has to do with saying goodbye to all your friends. As you progress in your new freedom
you will find that people who use Meth become less appealing to you and you will feel different from them to the
point of doubting a friendship could ever have existed. Becoming an addict your life comes to a standstill and you
stop growing and developing emotionally, so with sobriety the addict’s life becomes boring to you, always chasing
the same desires. By noticing the difference between other addicts and myself I began to comprehend the deception
of Meth. I have also had difficulty cooperating with people from my past. I have accepted that my addiction affected
everyone around me, causing hurt feelings. Daily I ask for forgiveness knowing I don’t always get it. I hurt others and
I suppose some hurts are too painful to be dealt with. I pray in time the lord will soften their hearts. I understand that
no matter what I do today I can never change the past. The past is the past.
All recovering Meth addicts must pass through a period of time they honestly make an effort to make right the
wrongs committed. This could be as simple as writing an apology letter, contacting the person, resolving conflicting
issues, and finding ways to repay society for the cost of your addiction. By doing this, the addict not only gains the
willpower to let go of the shame and guilt associated with the wrong deed, but it also puts them in a position of
accepting respect and positive encouragement. Granted not everyone is forgiving and willing to accept the new you.
Just understand that it’s something that they will have to learn to live with, not you. Through the determined effort to
receive forgiveness the addicts become humble and forgiving and they learn to forgive themselves of wrongdoing
and are able to move on.
A realistic recovery for those who have made drug addiction their livelihood for an extended length of time has to do
with learning how to live within the law while earning a living. If I sold insurance for twenty years I would probably be
pretty good at it, maybe even having a difficult time finding something else to do. In fact, I would feel like I was
starting over, being insecure and unsure how to behave, and learning like a child. In your transition in lifestyles, at
some point it will seem like you have no friends, nobody you presently know, or are close too, understand your
change in behavior: and that should only be expected. I believe when the recovering addict feels this way they need
to find someone who is legally earning a living doing something of interest to them, and then follow their example. If I
liked working on cars I would become friends with a sober auto mechanic. I have found this to be the easiest way to
learn a new lifestyle and earn a new livelihood.
An often overlooked, but important part of recovery is in the area of personal finance. By now I had used up all my
resources for income and never learned proper responsibility for paying bills. After fifteen years of being an addict I
have a lot of catching up to do. The steady stream of neglected bills coming in never seems to stop. It’s amazing
how many people remembered I owed them money. I have over seven thousand dollars in dental expenses alone. I
find it very challenging and almost impossible to get ahead financially.
I look at recovery as a time to pay my dues, heal from the pain, and get used to fighting my own battles in a new
world without Meth. Everyday is filled with new opportunities and problems to overcome. Will I be able to stand
strong with courage and not fall? Or will I begin to doubt and seek an escape once more if things go seriously
wrong? I don’t know, I just know that I’m more in control of my own life and much stronger, healthier, and happier
today than I was yesterday.
A NEW DAY
My life is so new. I understand things I have never known before about myself. I get excited meeting true friends and
extended family members and seeing just how different each of our lives can be. I believe we all individually choose
what lifestyle best fits our needs at any given time. I never knew I didn’t have to put on a show to get someone to like
me. I am liked for the way I am and if not, hey, that’s O.K., I no longer let it affect me. I now know who I am and am
proud of the friendship I have developed with myself. I love being me. I choose what I want to do today without
needing to use Meth to make it through another day. No longer are my thoughts driven by the wind.
I am inspired daily with new ideas on how my life could be that much better. I think back on all those years of running
and understand it for what it has taught me. I see the stupidity of my actions, the desperation in my thoughts, and
the unstable feelings and emotions. I believed I was in charge of my own life only to be shown I wasn’t.
Sobriety was something that I chose to do on my own. Treatment could not or did not work for me. I had tried
everything they offered me, from the A.A.s to the U.A.s., I even got lost in the steps a few times. In fact, making
amends, communicating with a higher power, making amends, alone, over and over again never worked for anyone I
knew. Sure, they’re both important issues that need to be addressed, but far from the whole truth. The decision to
quit had to come from within. I had to lose everything I thought valuable and good in my life to learn this. Freezing in
the streets a few years, experiencing Meth addiction’s end result, I knew that life was not for me. I deeply regret what
I missed out on and what I can never change and the mistakes that I have made: all because I chose to continue
using Meth. Believe me, the price you pay for using Meth is far greater than the pleasure of the ‘high’ that you are
seeking and constantly chasing. With each fix I freely gave away my happiness and joy and hope in life. Because of
this I carry a hatred for the drug and what it does to people. I see the deception and destruction it has brought into
my life.
Everyday I wake up I feel that itch to use; it’s just another consequence that I’ll live with for the rest of my life. But by
refusing to negotiate I avoid all the self-doubt. Now I know what my addiction really costs. It’s not the price I paid for
the Meth; it’s what the Meth stole from me in return. I lost my wife and only child, and the chance of having more
children forever due to my addiction problems. Meth nearly took my life and almost destroyed all that I knew or could
become, not including all the physical and mental health problems that I am now faced to overcome. Hope, faith and
belief in myself are all I really have left.
I am proud of my achievement and in the fact that I’m Meth-free and feel sorry for those still trapped in Meth’s
deception. I guess this is my way of reaching out to them, and giving them hope. I feel great knowing I’m in charge of
my life and free from that king called Meth. Anyone can defeat Meth addiction if they just wakeup and take action
against it. My prayer goes out to all addicts that they too will find FREEDOM FROM METH.
| You too can quit without groups and/or treatment! |
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