| Value In God's Kingdom Written by Lisa Marie |
God has caused me to do an “about-face”, a 180 degree pivotal turn in my life! He pursued me, I wasn’t looking for
Him. I didn’t know how to find Him. When I was a little girl , somehow I didn’t get the full message of the gospel when
I went to church. I got the meaning all wrong. I easily believed that I wasn’t good enough to make it into Heaven, but
I also believed that somehow it was my fault that Jesus had to die! Instead of realizing that He died for everyone’s
sins, that everyone sinned.
As I got older, I began to look for my self-worth in all the wrong places. After having three children I found myself
alone, just me and them against the world. In the end, I learned how to do men’s work because it paid more. I
became a pretty good welder, but it was really hard work. My boys were my biggest fans. They were so proud of
me, they stuck by their mama no matter what. We started making changes, they had nice clothes, we always had a
terrific Christmas. But my drinking got to be more habitual, my partying and my partying friends became life for us.
After all, they had kids too, and it didn’t seem to be harming them! It got to where the welding jobs just weren’t there
any more. And along with that, neither was my motivation. Depression started to settle in, a depression I just couldn’
t shake.
I wasn’t taught that it was ok to ask for help. I learned to pretend like I had it all together, especially if I didn’t. It was
a real blow to my pride not being able to provide for my boys. For over a year I couldn’t find a job. Things just kept
getting worse with no car and no job. Then, a new neighbor moved in. He was a meth cook. It all just happened so
insidiously. When I was high, I didn’t have to “feel” the depression anymore. I became addicted long before I could
admit I was addicted. I stayed away longer and longer. I just couldn’t stop myself. Welfare was concerned with the
condition of the trailer we were living in. I was so cold to them because I thought they were judging me instead of
helping me. So I moved to Kansas City to get away from welfare, and possibly the meth. My parents and I had a
falling out and the boys and I moved back to Springfield where my old neighbor, the meth cook, was living with one
of my old girlfriends and her kids. I learned to shoot up all by myself, I could barely consider quitting. Welfare
swooped in and took my kids, and still I didn’t quit. Instead I moved into another more productive meth house.
Then one night, about five months later, I happened to pick up a Gideon’s Bible. I opened it up and my eyes fell on
Matthew 18:9 NKJV where it says “And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. It is better for
you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell fire.” I thought “What?!” Then I
looked at the verse before it, and that’s what truly grabbed me. It said, “If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it
off and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two
feet, to be cast into the everlasting fire. My right arm was causing me to sin, it was the one I shot up with all the
time! Does that mean that if I was able to actually quit sinning, I would be all right, that I would go to Heaven?? I
sat back and pondered it, my heart was racing. Somehow I deciphered that there was something akin to “hope” in
these words I was reading. That maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t doomed after all.
That very night, I was arrested and put in jail. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I hadn’t faced the truth about
abandoning my kids, I wasn’t capable of facing it. The meth was my crutch and now I didn’t have it. I didn’t even
have a cigarette, but I did have food and a bed. The girls said the church ladies came on Monday night, I came in on
a Tuesday and had to wait all the way till Monday, but their visit was cancelled. I was more than a little
disappointed. I thought to myself, “Wow, I really was excited about seeing them!” I didn’t know why. But by the next
Monday, I was ready for them! I couldn’t name the little light of hope I had in my heart. I think those 2 weeks in jail,
God was preparing my heart. He gave me time to sober up and realize my hopelessness and my need for Him.
One of the church ladies names was Gloria. She handed out some little papers with parts for each of us to read
aloud from, so that we could take turns. There was a building up of something in my heart. My turn came to read
and I began to read aloud, “Matthew 18:8 NIV “If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it
away…..” I had a sudden intake of breath. It felt like my eyes were as wide open as my mouth!! I looked at Gloria,
and quickly back at the words….I was incredulous, but I couldn’t deny the truth of those words I had read out of the
Gideon Bible. I started to cry. How could this be?! Finally, I explained it to her, that the night I was arrested I had
picked up a Bible by chance and had read this very same verse! I begged her to explain to me what this meant.
She had wide eyes, and glancing around at the other church ladies she said, “The Holy Spirit is trying to tell you
something.!” I gasped loudly. “But why?!” I asked. Then she explained that Jesus had died for me, that He doesn’t
intend for anyone to perish, that everyone who calls on Him will be saved. I asked, “How do I get saved?!?!?” That’s
when she turned to Romans 10:9 NIV, and as I was looking over her shoulder she read “That if you confess with
your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord’, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” I said,
“Jesus is Lord” very quietly and timidly before she finished reading. I felt Him enter in. I was overcome by it. I sat
back all humped over and couldn’t talk anymore. Gloria gave me a Bible and left, but still I just sat there in shock.
Something had happened, and I didn’t know what to do about it!
So for two more weeks, alone in my cell with my Bible, I would test Him. I would open up the Bible and let my eyes
fall where my finger pointed and let Him minister to me. And oh the tears, I can’t tell you the anguish at times, and
joy at other times that I went through, the way he spoke directly to my heart. It was amazing. I began to confess my
sins. ALL of my sins to Him, and I took Him up on every one of His promises that I came across. Then I would test
Him. And let me tell you, He has been absolutely, one hundred percent faithful to His Word. It has been so special,
His love for me. Right where I was at, He loved me. Right where I was at, having abandoned my kids, having
chosen meth over them, He opened His arms and I ran to Him. My life has not been the same. I don’t lie anymore, I
don’t smoke or do any drugs, I regret losing my boys and the hurt I caused them EVERY single day. But somehow,
God has placed me in a town no more than 10 miles away from my boys! I had no idea at the time! And although I
don’t get to see them just whenever, I do get to know how they’re doing and give them gifts.
I seek His will in every major decision I make, I put Him first in every area of my life, I trust Him with everything that I
am. After all, He first loved me when I was at my most unlovable. My self-worth is in Him, I am valuable because He
says so. And that gives me true joy!
Note to reader: On the very day I wrote this testimony, my daily Bible reading included Matthew 5:29-30 NKJV which
reads “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of
your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it
off and cast if from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to
be cast into hell.
Him. I didn’t know how to find Him. When I was a little girl , somehow I didn’t get the full message of the gospel when
I went to church. I got the meaning all wrong. I easily believed that I wasn’t good enough to make it into Heaven, but
I also believed that somehow it was my fault that Jesus had to die! Instead of realizing that He died for everyone’s
sins, that everyone sinned.
As I got older, I began to look for my self-worth in all the wrong places. After having three children I found myself
alone, just me and them against the world. In the end, I learned how to do men’s work because it paid more. I
became a pretty good welder, but it was really hard work. My boys were my biggest fans. They were so proud of
me, they stuck by their mama no matter what. We started making changes, they had nice clothes, we always had a
terrific Christmas. But my drinking got to be more habitual, my partying and my partying friends became life for us.
After all, they had kids too, and it didn’t seem to be harming them! It got to where the welding jobs just weren’t there
any more. And along with that, neither was my motivation. Depression started to settle in, a depression I just couldn’
t shake.
I wasn’t taught that it was ok to ask for help. I learned to pretend like I had it all together, especially if I didn’t. It was
a real blow to my pride not being able to provide for my boys. For over a year I couldn’t find a job. Things just kept
getting worse with no car and no job. Then, a new neighbor moved in. He was a meth cook. It all just happened so
insidiously. When I was high, I didn’t have to “feel” the depression anymore. I became addicted long before I could
admit I was addicted. I stayed away longer and longer. I just couldn’t stop myself. Welfare was concerned with the
condition of the trailer we were living in. I was so cold to them because I thought they were judging me instead of
helping me. So I moved to Kansas City to get away from welfare, and possibly the meth. My parents and I had a
falling out and the boys and I moved back to Springfield where my old neighbor, the meth cook, was living with one
of my old girlfriends and her kids. I learned to shoot up all by myself, I could barely consider quitting. Welfare
swooped in and took my kids, and still I didn’t quit. Instead I moved into another more productive meth house.
Then one night, about five months later, I happened to pick up a Gideon’s Bible. I opened it up and my eyes fell on
Matthew 18:9 NKJV where it says “And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. It is better for
you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell fire.” I thought “What?!” Then I
looked at the verse before it, and that’s what truly grabbed me. It said, “If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it
off and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two
feet, to be cast into the everlasting fire. My right arm was causing me to sin, it was the one I shot up with all the
time! Does that mean that if I was able to actually quit sinning, I would be all right, that I would go to Heaven?? I
sat back and pondered it, my heart was racing. Somehow I deciphered that there was something akin to “hope” in
these words I was reading. That maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t doomed after all.
That very night, I was arrested and put in jail. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I hadn’t faced the truth about
abandoning my kids, I wasn’t capable of facing it. The meth was my crutch and now I didn’t have it. I didn’t even
have a cigarette, but I did have food and a bed. The girls said the church ladies came on Monday night, I came in on
a Tuesday and had to wait all the way till Monday, but their visit was cancelled. I was more than a little
disappointed. I thought to myself, “Wow, I really was excited about seeing them!” I didn’t know why. But by the next
Monday, I was ready for them! I couldn’t name the little light of hope I had in my heart. I think those 2 weeks in jail,
God was preparing my heart. He gave me time to sober up and realize my hopelessness and my need for Him.
One of the church ladies names was Gloria. She handed out some little papers with parts for each of us to read
aloud from, so that we could take turns. There was a building up of something in my heart. My turn came to read
and I began to read aloud, “Matthew 18:8 NIV “If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it
away…..” I had a sudden intake of breath. It felt like my eyes were as wide open as my mouth!! I looked at Gloria,
and quickly back at the words….I was incredulous, but I couldn’t deny the truth of those words I had read out of the
Gideon Bible. I started to cry. How could this be?! Finally, I explained it to her, that the night I was arrested I had
picked up a Bible by chance and had read this very same verse! I begged her to explain to me what this meant.
She had wide eyes, and glancing around at the other church ladies she said, “The Holy Spirit is trying to tell you
something.!” I gasped loudly. “But why?!” I asked. Then she explained that Jesus had died for me, that He doesn’t
intend for anyone to perish, that everyone who calls on Him will be saved. I asked, “How do I get saved?!?!?” That’s
when she turned to Romans 10:9 NIV, and as I was looking over her shoulder she read “That if you confess with
your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord’, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” I said,
“Jesus is Lord” very quietly and timidly before she finished reading. I felt Him enter in. I was overcome by it. I sat
back all humped over and couldn’t talk anymore. Gloria gave me a Bible and left, but still I just sat there in shock.
Something had happened, and I didn’t know what to do about it!
So for two more weeks, alone in my cell with my Bible, I would test Him. I would open up the Bible and let my eyes
fall where my finger pointed and let Him minister to me. And oh the tears, I can’t tell you the anguish at times, and
joy at other times that I went through, the way he spoke directly to my heart. It was amazing. I began to confess my
sins. ALL of my sins to Him, and I took Him up on every one of His promises that I came across. Then I would test
Him. And let me tell you, He has been absolutely, one hundred percent faithful to His Word. It has been so special,
His love for me. Right where I was at, He loved me. Right where I was at, having abandoned my kids, having
chosen meth over them, He opened His arms and I ran to Him. My life has not been the same. I don’t lie anymore, I
don’t smoke or do any drugs, I regret losing my boys and the hurt I caused them EVERY single day. But somehow,
God has placed me in a town no more than 10 miles away from my boys! I had no idea at the time! And although I
don’t get to see them just whenever, I do get to know how they’re doing and give them gifts.
I seek His will in every major decision I make, I put Him first in every area of my life, I trust Him with everything that I
am. After all, He first loved me when I was at my most unlovable. My self-worth is in Him, I am valuable because He
says so. And that gives me true joy!
Note to reader: On the very day I wrote this testimony, my daily Bible reading included Matthew 5:29-30 NKJV which
reads “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of
your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it
off and cast if from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to
be cast into hell.
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