This is one of the most important assertiveness skills and gets easier the more you do it. Once you overcome any
anxiety about speaking up you will feel better about yourself, your relationships should improve. If you are used to
keeping your opinions to yourself even when it is important to you learning to speak up can be quite liberating.
Practice Standing up for your opinions and stick to them
When you know that asserting yourself may cause conflict it is more difficult to do, but it is important to remember
that your opinions are as valid as anyone else’s, even if they tend to be louder then you. Don’t be afraid to say what
you think, what is the worst that can happen? In the long term it can be more distressing to harbour resentment from
not expressing yourself than facing the conflict involved with showing your true feelings. That does not mean that
you have to be rigid, you can change your mind, but not out of fear of what others might think or say. You will gain
respect from others standing firm when it matters.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want
People who are not assertive by nature find it hard to ask of others, however if you simply ask reasonable requests
of others you may be surprised how willing others can be to help. Practice asking people for little things and don’t
feel bad about asking.
Practice saying no
It’s OK to say no to things you don’t want to do. If something makes you uncomfortable or you haven’t got the time
or if someone makes you feel overwhelmed it is reasonable to say “I’m sorry but I can’t”. You can still help others
when you have the time or when you want to, but if you can’t you don’t have to feel guilty or obliged.
Learn to accept compliments
Say thank you when someone compliments you, don’t feel embarrassed. You don’t have to start blowing your own
trumpet, just smile and accept.
Learn to accept constructive criticism
Nobody is perfect, don’t take it to heart when someone gives you feedback that is not positive. Learn from them, say
“yes I see, thank you”. If on the other hand someone is really insulting you unecessarily you would need to stand up
and say “I don’t think that is appropriate/true, I don’t like being spoken to like that.” Learn to tell the difference. It is
OK to be wrong sometimes.
Remind yourself of the benefits of learning and practising assertiveness
Learning to behave assertively will greatly improve your life.
You will gain self-respect and be respected by others.
You will gain confidence and feel less anxious when facing conflict.
You will be able to say no when you want to.
You will be able to ask for what you want.
You will be able to accept and give compliments and praise.
You will have the courage to say difficult things
Imagine life without the resentment of not saying what you mean or getting consideration for your needs, having
your opinions listened to. Remind yourself of the benefits of practising assertiveness skills.
Giving praise and criticism
When giving compliments be specific. For example, ‘You handled that diffucult situation with the client very well by
listening and not iterrupting him rather than, ‘You’re quite good with difficult people?’ The first response give
specific feedback on what the person did well.
When giving critism you must be to the point eg. ‘You missed the deadline for the report’, rather than, ‘You’re
absolutely useless at time managment.’
Follow this up with reasons for your comments. This is helpful whether the comments are positive or negative
because we need to know what we are being praised for if we are to know how to use it as helpful feedback: ‘You
missed the deadline for that report, probably because you have been spending more time on telephone sales than
we planned. Perhaps we should discuss how you should allocate your time in future?’
1-Don’t use praise as a way of manipulating people into doing something for you, e. g. ‘You are the most
hardworking member of the department and I really appreciate the effort you put in for the meeting this afternoon.
Perhaps you could just write up the minutes for me?’ This manipulation makes the praise insincere.
2-When giving criticism, seek solutions, rather than commenting on somebody’s personality. ‘You’re getting far too
many complaints from members of the public recently. What the heck’s the matter with you?’ is very unhelpful.
Instead say: ‘You seem to be getting complaints from members of the public in your section at the moment. Do you
know what the problem is?’
3-Above all, avoid public put-downs, or criticism in situations which will cause embarrassment.
Being Assertive can make you happy!
A study by american psychologists claims that simply behaving in a bold manner can make you happy. Their
research supports the idea that any extrovert behaviour has a positive impact on your mood. This research is
documented in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
“I don’t think it’s the only way to find happiness, but I do think it’s a neglected way,” said Associate Professor Will
Fleeson, a psychologist at Wake Forest University led the study claims that although it is not the only answer to
finding happiness it is a much neglected way of achieving a good self image and a positive feeling, saying “People
too often look outside themselves for things to make them happy.”
There were 50 students involved in the study. They recorded answers to set questions on palmtops for up to 10
weeks, recording their moods and activities. Bold or outgoing activities such as singing aloud, freestyle dancing, and
plucking up the courage to approach someone they found attractive boosted the mood of the student for some time
after the event or action.
Professor Fleeson remarked that: “Every single student in the study was happier when he or she acted extroverted
than when he or she acted introverted…Even introverts can act extroverted and become happier by changing their
behaviour.”
So whether you are alone or in company making a concious effort to be more extrovert, singing in the car or shower,
dancing to some music or approaching others to initiate conversation can make you feel happy. Activities such as
climbing mountains or going for a brisk walk can have a positive effect. Practice being more talkative or more
assertive, voice your opinion or ask more a questions.
Fleeson promotes the idea that your happiness is ultimately in your own hands, it comes from the inside not from the
outside. It’s up to you to choose to become more outgoing, even if you are reserved and shy by nature you can
work on this little by little by choosing to practice some of the things mentioned above. Be a little more assertive,
adventurous, outgoing etc - you have the power to be happy.
Build your confidence by learning to say no.
Wanting to be approved of and a fear of disapproval can turn many people into ‘yes people’. How many times have
you agreed to do something without really wanting to? In the short term you may think this makes you more popular,
but are you really getting the respect you crave? Does it make you feel good about yourself or do you end up
feeling unappreciated, used, angry, taken advantage of?
If you are a person who finds it hard to say ‘no’ try the following exercise. You will need to ask a trusted friend to
help you. With regular practise you can learn to change your habits.
1-Remember when you last said yes when you meant no.
2-Explain to a friend what the situation was.
3-Ask your friend to ask the same question you were asked in one sentence, don’t draw it out, and keep it simple.
4-When your friend starts to ask the question say a firm ‘NO’!
5-Get them to step back when you say no, then take a step forward and repeat a firm ‘no’ with a little more
determination.
6-Repeat the exercise at least ten times.
7-Write down how you felt, focusing on the positive, and keep the piece of paper.
The next time you want to say ‘no’ remember the positive feeling and just say it. If you feel the need to explain keep
it very short. If they come back with another appeal simply say no again.
You need to convince yourself that you are in control of your life before others will treat you the same way.
Remember, nobody can make you do something you don’t want to do, if you let them control you they will, but it is
YOU who is handing over control. If you begin to take control of yourself then others will learn to treat you differently.
It may be hard at first as some will still see you as easily swayed, but if you stick to your guns and be consistent,
they will have to learn to change their behaviour too.
anxiety about speaking up you will feel better about yourself, your relationships should improve. If you are used to
keeping your opinions to yourself even when it is important to you learning to speak up can be quite liberating.
Practice Standing up for your opinions and stick to them
When you know that asserting yourself may cause conflict it is more difficult to do, but it is important to remember
that your opinions are as valid as anyone else’s, even if they tend to be louder then you. Don’t be afraid to say what
you think, what is the worst that can happen? In the long term it can be more distressing to harbour resentment from
not expressing yourself than facing the conflict involved with showing your true feelings. That does not mean that
you have to be rigid, you can change your mind, but not out of fear of what others might think or say. You will gain
respect from others standing firm when it matters.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want
People who are not assertive by nature find it hard to ask of others, however if you simply ask reasonable requests
of others you may be surprised how willing others can be to help. Practice asking people for little things and don’t
feel bad about asking.
Practice saying no
It’s OK to say no to things you don’t want to do. If something makes you uncomfortable or you haven’t got the time
or if someone makes you feel overwhelmed it is reasonable to say “I’m sorry but I can’t”. You can still help others
when you have the time or when you want to, but if you can’t you don’t have to feel guilty or obliged.
Learn to accept compliments
Say thank you when someone compliments you, don’t feel embarrassed. You don’t have to start blowing your own
trumpet, just smile and accept.
Learn to accept constructive criticism
Nobody is perfect, don’t take it to heart when someone gives you feedback that is not positive. Learn from them, say
“yes I see, thank you”. If on the other hand someone is really insulting you unecessarily you would need to stand up
and say “I don’t think that is appropriate/true, I don’t like being spoken to like that.” Learn to tell the difference. It is
OK to be wrong sometimes.
Remind yourself of the benefits of learning and practising assertiveness
Learning to behave assertively will greatly improve your life.
You will gain self-respect and be respected by others.
You will gain confidence and feel less anxious when facing conflict.
You will be able to say no when you want to.
You will be able to ask for what you want.
You will be able to accept and give compliments and praise.
You will have the courage to say difficult things
Imagine life without the resentment of not saying what you mean or getting consideration for your needs, having
your opinions listened to. Remind yourself of the benefits of practising assertiveness skills.
Giving praise and criticism
When giving compliments be specific. For example, ‘You handled that diffucult situation with the client very well by
listening and not iterrupting him rather than, ‘You’re quite good with difficult people?’ The first response give
specific feedback on what the person did well.
When giving critism you must be to the point eg. ‘You missed the deadline for the report’, rather than, ‘You’re
absolutely useless at time managment.’
Follow this up with reasons for your comments. This is helpful whether the comments are positive or negative
because we need to know what we are being praised for if we are to know how to use it as helpful feedback: ‘You
missed the deadline for that report, probably because you have been spending more time on telephone sales than
we planned. Perhaps we should discuss how you should allocate your time in future?’
1-Don’t use praise as a way of manipulating people into doing something for you, e. g. ‘You are the most
hardworking member of the department and I really appreciate the effort you put in for the meeting this afternoon.
Perhaps you could just write up the minutes for me?’ This manipulation makes the praise insincere.
2-When giving criticism, seek solutions, rather than commenting on somebody’s personality. ‘You’re getting far too
many complaints from members of the public recently. What the heck’s the matter with you?’ is very unhelpful.
Instead say: ‘You seem to be getting complaints from members of the public in your section at the moment. Do you
know what the problem is?’
3-Above all, avoid public put-downs, or criticism in situations which will cause embarrassment.
Being Assertive can make you happy!
A study by american psychologists claims that simply behaving in a bold manner can make you happy. Their
research supports the idea that any extrovert behaviour has a positive impact on your mood. This research is
documented in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
“I don’t think it’s the only way to find happiness, but I do think it’s a neglected way,” said Associate Professor Will
Fleeson, a psychologist at Wake Forest University led the study claims that although it is not the only answer to
finding happiness it is a much neglected way of achieving a good self image and a positive feeling, saying “People
too often look outside themselves for things to make them happy.”
There were 50 students involved in the study. They recorded answers to set questions on palmtops for up to 10
weeks, recording their moods and activities. Bold or outgoing activities such as singing aloud, freestyle dancing, and
plucking up the courage to approach someone they found attractive boosted the mood of the student for some time
after the event or action.
Professor Fleeson remarked that: “Every single student in the study was happier when he or she acted extroverted
than when he or she acted introverted…Even introverts can act extroverted and become happier by changing their
behaviour.”
So whether you are alone or in company making a concious effort to be more extrovert, singing in the car or shower,
dancing to some music or approaching others to initiate conversation can make you feel happy. Activities such as
climbing mountains or going for a brisk walk can have a positive effect. Practice being more talkative or more
assertive, voice your opinion or ask more a questions.
Fleeson promotes the idea that your happiness is ultimately in your own hands, it comes from the inside not from the
outside. It’s up to you to choose to become more outgoing, even if you are reserved and shy by nature you can
work on this little by little by choosing to practice some of the things mentioned above. Be a little more assertive,
adventurous, outgoing etc - you have the power to be happy.
Build your confidence by learning to say no.
Wanting to be approved of and a fear of disapproval can turn many people into ‘yes people’. How many times have
you agreed to do something without really wanting to? In the short term you may think this makes you more popular,
but are you really getting the respect you crave? Does it make you feel good about yourself or do you end up
feeling unappreciated, used, angry, taken advantage of?
If you are a person who finds it hard to say ‘no’ try the following exercise. You will need to ask a trusted friend to
help you. With regular practise you can learn to change your habits.
1-Remember when you last said yes when you meant no.
2-Explain to a friend what the situation was.
3-Ask your friend to ask the same question you were asked in one sentence, don’t draw it out, and keep it simple.
4-When your friend starts to ask the question say a firm ‘NO’!
5-Get them to step back when you say no, then take a step forward and repeat a firm ‘no’ with a little more
determination.
6-Repeat the exercise at least ten times.
7-Write down how you felt, focusing on the positive, and keep the piece of paper.
The next time you want to say ‘no’ remember the positive feeling and just say it. If you feel the need to explain keep
it very short. If they come back with another appeal simply say no again.
You need to convince yourself that you are in control of your life before others will treat you the same way.
Remember, nobody can make you do something you don’t want to do, if you let them control you they will, but it is
YOU who is handing over control. If you begin to take control of yourself then others will learn to treat you differently.
It may be hard at first as some will still see you as easily swayed, but if you stick to your guns and be consistent,
they will have to learn to change their behaviour too.
| Tips for Being More Assertive Practice Speaking up when you have an idea or opinion |
| Submit Article, Story, Website-DEFEAT ADDICTIONS |
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| DEFEAT ADDICTIONS.ORG © 2009 Defeat Addictions Inc. All Rights Reserved The opinions contained on this website are Mr. X's and in no way reflect those of the financial supporters of this website. All material provided on the Defeat Addictions Website is provided for informational or educational purposes only. Mr. X cannot provide individual clinical or therapy recommendations for persons consulting this site. Consult a licensed therapist or physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to your problems or medical condition. |
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