| Denial & Acceptance From My Life Written By Michele Foust |
I am a recovering methamphetamine addict and have been clean and sober 2 years with the help of many.
I completed and graduated from 15 months of intense inpatient treatment here in Wyoming. When I arrived
at treatment, I was facing up to $50,000 in fines, and 50 years in prison for my actions. I had been injecting
methamphetamine for around 5 years, I was selling drugs to support my addiction, I transported drugs and
all of this I did around my one year old son...whom I had also abused and endangered his life by using
during my pregnancy. I was very much in denial that my drug "habit" (I called it at that time) was "that bad",
even though I had given up my children, my home, job, vehicle, and life to devote myself to being a
"professional" drug user. It took me quite some time to realize that my life was out of control. A great many
people loved me and cared for me way before I loved and cared for myself. I believed that the clinicians
and staff in the treatment center were all "out to get me" and they didn't know what the hell they were talking
about. 6 months into my program, I started to see that was untrue. These people were interested in helping
me save my life because they thought I was worth saving. You may say this is crazy, and I thought so too,
but I totally believe that there are people who are in this profession because they have compassion and
love for mankind. I met the most awesome people there who I owe allot of my life to, for without them I may
have never seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I think denial is the addicts worst enemy. Denial can
make or break a person. And I understand how hard it is to quit. I would be high for days on end, finally
drink some alcohol to crash for a few days, wake up and feel like shit all over again, think I needed to get
high to feel better, I would either prostitute myself to the drug dealer to get high, or steal from friends, family,
or businesses to trade for drugs or whatever it took to get high. I hated coming down because I always had
regrets, felt sorry for myself, cried, hated myself, lied to my kids and made empty promises, and all of this
was fuel to keep using. I denied my problem so that I had an excuse to drown in pity and get wasted.
Whenever I prostituted myself, I would allow other people to take my life into their hands and let them inject
me with who knows what kinds of drugs and I would then have unprotected sex with them...at this point I still
denied any kind of problem...I would tell myself things like, "We don't trade drugs for sex, he was gonna get
me high anyways, besides, we have sex because we like each other-not because of the dope". I exposed
myself to life threatening situations by doing this and didn't even give it a second thought because that's
how important methamphetamine and a needle became to me. When my family would express their
concerns, OH WELL, I'll just show them and stay away from them. My kids are taken care of by their dad,
so who cares. I denied the fact that drugs were harmful to anyone other than myself. Today I am still
dealing with hurt and trauma I have caused to my children. They have suffered tremendous mental anguish
by my lies and abandoning them. I chose men, women and drugs over them and continually reinforced the
message that they were of no importance to me, this helped them come to believe that they were
worthless. I now see how trust is very important to a growing child, if they cannot depend on the parent for
love, trust, safety and nurturing...who in the hell can they trust? THEMSELVES only, and become
withdrawn and either explosive, resort to violence and criminal activity. Another part of denial is taking
personal responsibility..."Yeah, if that rat hadn't wore a wire on me I wouldn't be in all this trouble...snitches
should all be in ditches"...LIES TO SELF! PERIOD! I CHOSE to commit crimes and use drugs...I CHOSE
to sell drugs to a confidential informant...I CHOSE to put myself in a position where I could inevitably get
arrested, go to jail, and be facing some stiff prison sentence...all because of ME and ME ONLY! I could
honestly tell you that I really am grateful that I was "ratted" on, arrested and removed from my own creation
of an environment. I am responsible for me, because NOBODY on this earth has the power to control me
or make me do the things I choose to do. And every time I got a "second chance" I thought I would never
get caught...but eventually a person that thinks they are SO GOOD gets "sloppy" about their secrets and it
becomes obvious to everyone around them that they are in some serious need of help. If you are alone out
there, high, hurt, sad, depressed or scared...maybe you just don't "want" to quit yet, or you CAN"T quit, I
understand. I physically and mentally COULD NOT QUIT ON MY OWN! I think that CAN"T means WON"T
except in this case because once I was mentally and physically dependent on methamphetamine, I literally
could not quit, the desire and need to get high was greater than any other desire in the world. I encourage
anyone who is sick and tired of the constant chaos, the lies, jail, institutions, and loss of self and everything
else...PLEASE...talk to someone... and let them know what you're feelings are on this. I too have walked
AND crawled the path you are on right now...and it's the loneliest path leading to hell and death.
Acceptance has helped heal me...acceptance of HELP, acceptance of the fact I'm a drug addict,
acceptance of RESPONSIBILITY, acceptance of the fact that I am a good and lovable person, and
acceptance of the past-let it go it cannot be changed it is done and over with, I know other people want to
rub it in what a person has done in the past-OH WELL...they can get over it or not! It doesn't really matter
what others think, people can change and those who are not willing to forgive are in a sad state. So forgive
yourself for being human and having an addiction and screwing up...nobody's perfect..understand your
addiction and yourself...get to know who you REALLY are inside and to hell with all those FRIENDS who
are willing to help you kill yourself with drugs...with friends like that you've got enough enemies.
I completed and graduated from 15 months of intense inpatient treatment here in Wyoming. When I arrived
at treatment, I was facing up to $50,000 in fines, and 50 years in prison for my actions. I had been injecting
methamphetamine for around 5 years, I was selling drugs to support my addiction, I transported drugs and
all of this I did around my one year old son...whom I had also abused and endangered his life by using
during my pregnancy. I was very much in denial that my drug "habit" (I called it at that time) was "that bad",
even though I had given up my children, my home, job, vehicle, and life to devote myself to being a
"professional" drug user. It took me quite some time to realize that my life was out of control. A great many
people loved me and cared for me way before I loved and cared for myself. I believed that the clinicians
and staff in the treatment center were all "out to get me" and they didn't know what the hell they were talking
about. 6 months into my program, I started to see that was untrue. These people were interested in helping
me save my life because they thought I was worth saving. You may say this is crazy, and I thought so too,
but I totally believe that there are people who are in this profession because they have compassion and
love for mankind. I met the most awesome people there who I owe allot of my life to, for without them I may
have never seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I think denial is the addicts worst enemy. Denial can
make or break a person. And I understand how hard it is to quit. I would be high for days on end, finally
drink some alcohol to crash for a few days, wake up and feel like shit all over again, think I needed to get
high to feel better, I would either prostitute myself to the drug dealer to get high, or steal from friends, family,
or businesses to trade for drugs or whatever it took to get high. I hated coming down because I always had
regrets, felt sorry for myself, cried, hated myself, lied to my kids and made empty promises, and all of this
was fuel to keep using. I denied my problem so that I had an excuse to drown in pity and get wasted.
Whenever I prostituted myself, I would allow other people to take my life into their hands and let them inject
me with who knows what kinds of drugs and I would then have unprotected sex with them...at this point I still
denied any kind of problem...I would tell myself things like, "We don't trade drugs for sex, he was gonna get
me high anyways, besides, we have sex because we like each other-not because of the dope". I exposed
myself to life threatening situations by doing this and didn't even give it a second thought because that's
how important methamphetamine and a needle became to me. When my family would express their
concerns, OH WELL, I'll just show them and stay away from them. My kids are taken care of by their dad,
so who cares. I denied the fact that drugs were harmful to anyone other than myself. Today I am still
dealing with hurt and trauma I have caused to my children. They have suffered tremendous mental anguish
by my lies and abandoning them. I chose men, women and drugs over them and continually reinforced the
message that they were of no importance to me, this helped them come to believe that they were
worthless. I now see how trust is very important to a growing child, if they cannot depend on the parent for
love, trust, safety and nurturing...who in the hell can they trust? THEMSELVES only, and become
withdrawn and either explosive, resort to violence and criminal activity. Another part of denial is taking
personal responsibility..."Yeah, if that rat hadn't wore a wire on me I wouldn't be in all this trouble...snitches
should all be in ditches"...LIES TO SELF! PERIOD! I CHOSE to commit crimes and use drugs...I CHOSE
to sell drugs to a confidential informant...I CHOSE to put myself in a position where I could inevitably get
arrested, go to jail, and be facing some stiff prison sentence...all because of ME and ME ONLY! I could
honestly tell you that I really am grateful that I was "ratted" on, arrested and removed from my own creation
of an environment. I am responsible for me, because NOBODY on this earth has the power to control me
or make me do the things I choose to do. And every time I got a "second chance" I thought I would never
get caught...but eventually a person that thinks they are SO GOOD gets "sloppy" about their secrets and it
becomes obvious to everyone around them that they are in some serious need of help. If you are alone out
there, high, hurt, sad, depressed or scared...maybe you just don't "want" to quit yet, or you CAN"T quit, I
understand. I physically and mentally COULD NOT QUIT ON MY OWN! I think that CAN"T means WON"T
except in this case because once I was mentally and physically dependent on methamphetamine, I literally
could not quit, the desire and need to get high was greater than any other desire in the world. I encourage
anyone who is sick and tired of the constant chaos, the lies, jail, institutions, and loss of self and everything
else...PLEASE...talk to someone... and let them know what you're feelings are on this. I too have walked
AND crawled the path you are on right now...and it's the loneliest path leading to hell and death.
Acceptance has helped heal me...acceptance of HELP, acceptance of the fact I'm a drug addict,
acceptance of RESPONSIBILITY, acceptance of the fact that I am a good and lovable person, and
acceptance of the past-let it go it cannot be changed it is done and over with, I know other people want to
rub it in what a person has done in the past-OH WELL...they can get over it or not! It doesn't really matter
what others think, people can change and those who are not willing to forgive are in a sad state. So forgive
yourself for being human and having an addiction and screwing up...nobody's perfect..understand your
addiction and yourself...get to know who you REALLY are inside and to hell with all those FRIENDS who
are willing to help you kill yourself with drugs...with friends like that you've got enough enemies.
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